What does Biblical Headship look like?
For some, I suspect the word headship only brings to mind the idea of supreme authority. Right? The man is the head. So he’s in charge, and he gets to make all the final decisions about everything.
Except for the fact that when Paul describes headship in Ephesians 5, he flips everything we think we know about headship on its head.
So what does Biblical Headship look like? It looks like Christ Himslef. “For the husband is the head of the wife, EVEN AS Christ is the head of the church…” (Eph. 5:23). “Even as” changes everything. If a husband wants to understand what it means to be the head of his wife, he is expected to look at Christ and follow His example. He is to literally be Christlike in his role as a husband – humble, self-giving, servant-oriented, and deeply loving in a sacrificial way.
A Biblical Head loves.
A Biblical Head sanctifies.
A Biblical Head nourishes and cherishes.
In other words, headship is not primarily about all the authority a husband has being in that position. Headship is truly about what he gives to his wife and to his family because of he is in that position. The one and only model for headship is nothing less than the Lord Jesus Christ Himself.
Let’s explore the 3 major characteristics of Biblical Headship.
1) Headship = Love
Eph 5:25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
The primary defining characteristic of biblical headship, according to Eph. 5:25, is love. Not just any kind love but the kind of selfless, sacrificial love that was have seen in Christ. Everything about biblical headship flows out of this principle: “Husbands, love your wives.” “Love” here is agape in the Greek — a settled disposition of the heart that consistently seeks the good of another. Paul doesn’t leave us wondering what that love should look like. He gives us the supreme example: “even as Christ also loved the church.” Christ’s love was active, deliberate, selfless, sacrificial, and giving. He gave himself for us. That means a husband’s model for headship isn’t his father, his grandfather, or anyone else. His model is Christ and Christ alone. 1 Cor. 13 helps us understand the nature of love that defines headship. This is agape love. This is a love that suffers long, is kind, does not envy or exalt itself, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices in the truth, bears, hopes, and endures. Applied to marriage, that means a Biblical Head uses his strength, his time, his resources, knowledge, and position for the good of his wife. He is patient with her weaknesses. He rejoices when she flourishes. He bears burdens with her, treats her graciously, seeks her welfare above his own convenience, and keeps loving through changing circumstances of life. The big point here is that husbands are to mirror Christ’s mindset of self-giving love. Biblical Headship, then, is measured by how much of himself he is willing to give for the good of his wife.
So, husbands, ask yourselves: Does my wife experience the love of Christ in the way I treat her? Am I using my strength, time, knowledge, and resources for her good? When she struggles, am I patient? When she succeeds, do I rejoice? When life gets heavy, do I help carry the weight? Does she receive the best of my graciousness — or merely what is left over after I’ve given my best to everyone else at work? And more importantly, are you asking yourself, “What am I getting from my wife?” or are you asking, “What can I give for her good?”
2) A Head Sanctifies
Eph 5:26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, Eph 5:27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. Eph 5:28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
Paul takes the picture of Biblical Headship another step in here Eph. 5:26–27. Christ “loved the church, and gave himself for it,” and His self-giving love has a purpose: “That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, That he might present it to himself a glorious church.” There is a beautiful progression in Paul’s thought: Christ loves the Church. Christ gives Himself for the Church. Christ sanctifies and cleanses the Church, and ultimately, Christ presents the Church to Himself in a glorious state without flaws. His love is never passive. His love is never aimless, or feelings only — His love actively seeks the highest good of the object of His love. To sanctify means to set apart, and Christ has set apart the members of His Body for Himself. Through the Word, of course, He renews our minds and transforms our walk so that our lives increasingly reflect what God has already made us in Christ. Ultimately, at the Rapture, Christ will present His Body to Himself “a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.” It’s not like we can do all these things Christ does. But what Paul is showing us is the mindset of the Head that we are to embody as husbands. Christ’s love is constructive. His love builds, cleanses, strengthens, and seeks the flourishing of His Body. Likewise, a husband who models Christlike headship should desire to create a safe environment of grace, truth, love, and encouragement in which his wife can flourish spiritually. He doesn’t look at her imperfections and whine and complain about it. He seeks her good. He wants to see her strong in grace, to see her established in the Word, confident in who God has made her in Christ, and flourishing into everything God created her to be. Biblical Headship, therefore, is more than self-giving love. Ephesians 5:26–27 takes all of this one step further: this is a self-giving love that seeks the highest good of the one who is loved.
So, husbands, ask yourselves: Is my wife spiritually strengthened because I am in her life? Do my words build her up or tear her down? Does my leadership encourage her or frustrate her? Am I helping create a home where she can flourish in grace and in the truth of who God has made her in Christ? Am I more concerned about getting the respect I think I deserve — or about giving her what she needs to thrive? How can I use my strength, time, knowledge, resources, words, and influence for her good? Is she blessed because I’m in her life?
3) A Head Nourishes and Cherishes
Eph 5:29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: Eph 5:30 For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
And here Paul brings biblical headship into the everyday nitty gritty of life. Verse 25 gave us the standard of a husband’s love — “even as Christ also loved the church” — but verse 28 gives us the logic behind that love: “as their own bodies.” A husband and wife are not two independent individuals protecting competing interests. God has joined them together as one flesh. That means her good is his good. Her welfare is his welfare, and what affects her ought to matter deeply to him. If he tears her down, he damages the union of which he is a part. If he strengthens her, he strengthens that union. Paul then makes this intensely practical by pointing to the way we naturally care for our own bodies. We “nourish” and “cherish” them. To nourish carries the idea of sustained provision and care that promotes health, growth, and well-being. It means giving yourself in a thousand ordinary ways — asking what she needs, helping carry burdens, providing support, giving your time and attention, and looking for ways to strengthen her. To cherish is to deepen the nourishment. This is tenderness, warmth, affection, and gentleness. Perhaps we could distinguish the two this way: to nourish is to provide what she needs; to cherish is to give her the warmth of your love while you’re providing it. A husband can technically provide for his wife while still being cold, distant, and dismissive, but that is not Paul’s picture of Christlike headship. Biblical Headship brings together provision and tenderness, responsibility and affection, strength and gentleness. And again, Paul raises the standard beyond what seems right in our own eyes. He says, “even as the Lord the church.” Christ loves His Body, gives Himself for His Body, sanctifies His Body, and now Paul tells us that He nourishes and cherishes His Body. Paul spends no time describing what the Head can demand from the Body. He spends all his time describing what the Head does for the Body. That is biblical headship—using your strength, time, resources, knowledge, affection, and ultimately yourself to nourish and cherish the woman you are joined to as one flesh.
Christ nourishes and cherishes the Church because “we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.” We are one with Christ. We are part of His Body. Paul uses the Head-and-Body relationship of Christ and the Church as the pattern for marriage. Christ does not treat His Body as something separate from Himself. Because we are members of His Body, He loves, nourishes, and cherishes us. Likewise, a husband should not view his wife as an independent person whose interests compete with his own. They are joined together as one flesh by God’s design. As Christ the Head cares for the Body that is one with Him, the husband as head lovingly cares for the wife who is one with him.
So, husbands, ask yourselves: Do I see her burdens as her problems, or do I recognize that what affects her matters to me because we are one flesh? Am I nourishing her through a million ordinary opportunities every day to give my time, attention, patience, and strength? Am I merely providing for her, or am I cherishing her while I provide? Does she experience warmth, tenderness, graciousness, and affection from me? Does my strength make her feel secure or small? Perhaps most importantly, does my wife experience my headship as nourishing and cherishing care? Is she stronger, more encouraged, and better because I am in her life?
If you’re a husband and that doesn’t convict you – you’re dead inside. LOL